Identity Theft

Several years ago, I was deeply impacted by the "cardboard testimonies" shared at church, and around the internet. I was moved to tears watching the brave souls sharing their simplified, yet profound stories of being lost then found, bound now free. As I sat there, I asked myself "what would my cardboard say?... do I even have a testimony?... what would I want it to say?"  

I pondered; examining where I'd been, where I was, and where I wanted to go in life.
Where I'd been? There was darkness and hardship, but also blessing and provision. Ok, check. 

Where I was in that moment? Seeking depth and meaning in a shallow existence, and far from where I wanted to be. Hmmmm... not so great. ok, next. 

Where did I want to be? Not stuck where I was. Ok, so how do I get out?

That seems a logical question; "how do I get out? But I realized I was missing the why. Without a why, nothing changes. 

Why get out of the rut? Because it sucks here; it's lonely and hard.

Then, why am I stuck? I am afraid.

Why am I afraid? I hate failing. I don't really matter. It's not worth the risk. I can't do it. No one will accept me. And the list goes on.

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Invisible and Ordinary.

For most of my early life, I struggled with feeling invisible, unwanted, incapable, and unworthy. LIES. ALL LIES, I tell you!!! (said with the wisdom and clarity of hindsight) But, regardless of their fallacy, these lies controlled many of my decisions and kept me prisoner to my fears. 

The biggest consequence of my fears was that they crippled my daring dreams. While maybe not always fully formed, my deepest desires, had a flair for the grandiose. (I'm not talking about the silly frivolous kind that most little girls cycle thru during their childhood; these were the ones that always resonated at my core.)  Larger than life -- and certainly larger than the life I was "subjected" to, but how does a poor little girl from tiny-town, Arkansas accomplish that?!?!? That's right, she doesn't. It's not practical, possible, or normal, so just forget it! And I did. Or so I tried, constantly squashing my longings with logic and distractions. Lies, and more lies. 

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Why was I really afraid? I believed the lies about my identity. 

So, who am I, really? I am a chosen, worthy, able, beloved daughter of a sovereign King! 

I have a life that matters because I deeply love others, and can receive love in return. I have dreams that matter because God gave them to me to bring Him glory.

I had known this in that "church answer-y", disconnected, abstract sense.... but finally I started to believe it. Because I wanted to believe it, my true identity became my "why" to get out of that rut. I started to claim my identity as I re-examined my goals and dreams, taking baby steps along the way. 

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Shining and Extraordinary!

I yearn to be an extraordinary, guiding light, full of the spirit! 

I dream of being a "rockstar for Jesus" (in the literal/musical sense and the figurative/legacy-leaving sense). Of making a positive impact on those around me --and on the masses. I dream of going around the globe, meeting fascinating people in ordinary towns and telling their stories. I dream of a world where every kid has food, clean water, shelter, and access to quality education. A world that understands that love is blind-- to skin, shape, sex and status, but never blind to the soul and spirit. A world where we are One. 

These are BIG dreams, and that's ok! They could bring a little bit more Heaven to Earth. It's almost guaranteed that each dream, and my role in them, will change over time -- and they already have. God is constantly refining and shaping my visions for the future. But, I finally figured out that as long as I am continually striving to accomplish these dreams in obedience to God, I WILL be an EXTRAORDINARY light along the way. I want to be mindful of my God-given name and claim it as it shapes my every action and decision!

My cardboard would say:

Victim of Spiritual Identity Theft: Thought I was Invisible and Ordinary

==> 

Believe God's promises: I know I am Shining and Extraordinary!

What would YOURS be?

Will you dare to follow your God-given dream?

Would you like some help finding or clarifying your dream? I'd love to help you!

Right Turn

While I was deciding to return to the States, a large part of the process was re-examining my future hopes. I have larger-than-life, yet perfectly God-sized dreams. BUT, I am heavily burdened by some of my past decisions.  

I remembered a sermon I heard once; it was about returning to the last sin that you ignored and/or haven’t asked forgiveness for, then confessing and righting that wrong, in order to step into the blessing and favor God wants to give you through deeper relationship with him. With that flash of Truth, I was convicted about finally facing one of the major things I've run from for a long time. While I have other sins to return to and face, this one particular sin has wreaked havoc on many parts of my life. Through excuses, laziness, resentfulness, pride, indignation, rebellion… lots and lots of ugly has dampened and strangled my will and desires to further the Kingdom.

I want to claim deeper blessing and favor with God, and move into deeper relationship with him. To do that, I need to release this weight and share accountability with you in this endeavor. I would also like to encourage you to also take a moment and reflect; if there’s a particular sin from your past, that you just swept under the rug, or even the wrong you most recently committed. Have courage! Ask forgiveness of all parties involved, and right the wrong. Return the $5 you “borrowed.” Hug the friend you hurt. Tell the family member that drives you crazy that you love them. Whatever the size of that sin… don’t let it be a burden or obstacle anymore. God’s grace and mercy will be there to meet you!

Here goes!

Confessing.

I have not paid one cent of my student loans. EVER.

I have been away from school for over 10 years, and all I’ve done is ignore it, let it fester, alter between Default and Forbearance, gain ridiculous amounts of interest, crash my credit rating, and be an eliminating factor for certain jobs.

Why? This is where the resentfulness, indignation, rebellion come into play. Part of it was because I was upset at the institution aspect of it all. Part of it was because I was burned out, sick and directionless. So, my response to this was, “OK, you wanna make getting an education a financial nightmare? Fine! I quit! But you’re not getting my money!” My mind was made up. I felt deflated, dejected and defeated, so my heart began to harden, and as time went on, it became harder and harder to turn back.  

But here’s the kicker. There’s a dirty four-letter word up there. Did you catch it? I quit. I never finished college. Unfortunately in this day and age, most employers don’t care if you’re brilliant if you don’t have the blood/sweat equity and fancy piece of paper to prove it. Finding a job that I’m “qualified” for, and still pays enough, has continually been an uphill battle for me and a further source of resentment.  

Righting the wrong.

I can’t simply write a letter to the Department of Education asking forgiveness for my behavior and to magically grant me a degree. To practically right this wrong, I need serious action and payments to support my attitude of repentance.

Moving forward.

I’m DONE making excuses and not fighting for and working for the life I want and deserve. I know I have to put in some serious dedication to accomplish my goals and fully embrace the future I hope for.

So I made a simple (HA!) 5 step plan.

Get a job.

Start paying off school debt.

Return to school ASAP.

Finish school.

Get a job I LIKE/LOVE!

Get a job. ANY job….almost. 

“What kind of job am I looking for?” My background is 10 + years Administrative, but I’m willing to do ANYTHING with a decent salary that will get me paying off school quickly. Except direct sales related positions—that’s where I draw the line! I could get into particular numbers and examples to prove a point about the inequality in our wage system all together and how ‘decent salary’ should be totally redefined…. But, I’ll just say the minimum goal wage in my timeline equation is 15/hr.

Of course I have preferences but, ultimately, if God brings it -- I’ll take it!

Start paying off school debt. In LARGE chunks.

Ideally, I want to pay off my student debt in 3 years or less. This is by far the most aggressive goal that I’ve really ever set. I’m confident that with great dedication/sacrifice, lots of small extra jobs, and TONS of encouragement and favor, this is achievable. (It is, after all, only 2.5 years of private college education. Not THAT bad, right?!)

Return to school ASAP.

I still have somewhat varied directions that I want to explore further, but I know I have several classes I can finish at community college (TCC) first, and also take electives/introductions to the more specific areas I’m looking into. It’s a good opportunity to learn lots of skills for many of the things I want to do, even if not for a specific career.

Finish school. Without going into further debt.

This one is pretty straightforward, but the particular victory in this will be finishing. One of my biggest hang-ups, when originally starting college, was that I wanted to do almost EVERYTHING! I have so many interests and diverse talents that I could be successful in many different fields, and as analytical and thorough in my decision making process as I am, the necessity to choose just one major was overwhelming. I started in advertising/marketing, and while I enjoyed some of it, it didn’t seem to fit what I really longed for; too much business, not enough heart. Anyway, my hesitance to make a major decision greatly influenced my giving up altogether.

Get a job I LIKE/LOVE! And finally ‘qualified’ for. J

As a 32 year-old, the fact that I’m FINALLY learning ‘what I want to be when I grow up’ makes me very happy! The ‘School of Life’ has taught me many valuable lessons, and each has brought me closer to this discovery.

One of my most recent conquests was realizing the foundational theme of what it is that gets me excited, captures my heart, and gives me purpose (aside from Jesus.) And turned it into my “elevator speech.”

I thrive when I can take People, Places, Things and Ideas from passively functional and ordinary to brilliantly effective and impressive; I can look at the mediocre and then envision a masterpiece. So, I instinctively begin shaping -- applying artistic development, logical structure and passionate integrity to achieve a successful final result.

I know that sounds a little vague, and in some ways it is. But it was a light bulb that means I can be happy in many fields. I love to solve puzzles and take on projects that combine the need for great detail, analysis, logic, and technical proficiency, with the desire for capturing attention, being visually beautiful and creative. For example: Decorating a room, Enhancing a photo, Makeovers, Upcycling, Updating forms/documents, Editing stories/reports, Designing flyers/ads, Consulting/Brainstorming and the list could go on. Basically as long as I’m improving things/people around me, I’m pretty happy.

It’s one of the reasons I feel I do well with massage; my business motto is Discover the best version of you. I like to figure out why your body is causing pain, use my knowledge and intuition to relieve the pain, and then give you the tools to permanently correct/improve the problem.

While this general self-discovery is important, the exciting part is the following direction of focus and passion that was ignited.

The process of learning a new language and learning to teach my native language has revived my love of the written word, but also led me to examine the inefficiencies and barriers of communication, particularly within the realm of translation. From movie subtitles, to books, to websites -- the quality of translation for many services seems lacking. I even find this in the teaching workbooks and materials. While there is stark contrast in the realm of translation, the varying quality is definitely not limited to just translation.

I feel like the big-picture direction I want to go, is into editing/publishing, or possibly visual communication and development, with heavy consulting possibilities. Right now, I’m not sure I want to specialize in translation, but want it to be at least a component of what I do.

This vision will be molded further as I progress with my education and learning, I’m sure. But I’m excited to have inspiration and direction in my life purpose. And I still have very little clue what God has in store for me, but am firmly grounded in the hopes of His plans for me.

Thanks for sticking with me while I unpacked all the churning and contemplation I’ve been sitting on for a while!

           

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I want to know Christ—yes, to know the power of his resurrection and participation in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, attaining to the resurrection from the dead. Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 3:10-14 NIV

Road Signs

 

Re-calculating. For some time I’ve been sitting at a huge stop light, waiting for the fog to lift and my trusted GPS (God’s Personal Spirit) to tell me the next step.

Dead End. Thinking and hoping it was an intersection, it looks like it may be a dead end—(maybe it’s just under construction…only God knows!) I feel like some doors are closing and the ones that were open are getting harder to push through. I have become weary and lost some of my joy; it’s hard to be effective and purposeful without joy. I don’t like to give up. I want to dig in my heels to make things work my way, but it seems this timing or path is not (maybe has not been) fully within God’s will. Honestly, this makes me feel like a huge failure, even though I know there’s more at hand than my own abilities. It deeply hurts my pride to admit that I may have been wrong; maybe I tried to push my will above God’s, thinking that I truly was following Him. It’s scary to think that, even with the best intentions, I could walk so blindly in disobedience. However, I also realize it’s possible that this experience may have been to bring me to where I am now. The perspective that retrospect brings just shows me that I made mistakes that could have been avoided.

Make a U-Turn. So, while my heart yearns to stay in Rio, I feel God has said I need to return to the US. *I don’t say “return home” for 3 reasons. 1. This world is not my home; I have felt this truth from a young age. 2. HOWEVER, the places I do call home are many-- always with people I love and usually where I’m currently sleeping. So, I’m really just moving from one home to another. 3. I’m not sure where in the US I may settle and/or for how long.

Rough Road Ahead. I still feel purpose here and would really like to work things out to be able live here again; right now I just don't know how far in the future that might be. It could be 6 months or 6 years…or maybe only for visits. Facing these unknowns is pretty scary, but I’m going to try really hard to not interject my will over God’s and to actually release my life fully into God’s hands. I know I’ve done it before and he has been wonderfully faithful, so I need to remember to trust his Goodness.

One Way. I don’t have any idea as to what will happen after my arrival in Texas. I know God’s got a plan… and my part is to just obey and follow his direction. Obviously there are some practical things that will need to be addressed and I know God’s already working on those things, but I will go into more detail and revelation about that soon.

God at Work. I have learned a LOT about myself while being here and I am beyond grateful that God has allowed me to live my dream. Even with the challenges and some unmet hopes and expectations, I would not trade this experience for anything! I’m looking forward to seeing what God has planned next!

Here I am again...

My apologies for my long absence!

It's strange to me... how even with all the technology we have today, the time/space differences can change so many things; it's like I am on a whole other planet! Admittedly, mostly by my own doing, (as I am the one who has supplanted to another land, your lives still go on as before; I forget that, even in my physical absence, I am on your heart as you are often on mine) I get quickly sucked into local life here. This really is my home... and it is difficult for me to divide my loyalties. I love so many people in too many places. I hate the feeling like I'm turning my back on some in order to embrace others, but, unfortunately, that is a reality that I face. I must prioritize the people I am currently sharing life with... They are a major part of my purpose and mission. 

That being said, here I am again...

in a place of need/fear/confusion/desperation. I hate it... HATE it, that it seems I may never learn some lessons. I know I can't do anything of my own strength/resources/abilities, but I still try... and fail.... and fail again. UGH! So, in the spirit of accountability and bringing struggles/burdens to the light, I want to share a brief update on the major things.

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The definition of my entire life right now:

tran·si·tion  [tran-zish-uhn, -sish-]

noun

1. movement, passage, or change from one position, state, stage, subject, concept, etc., to another; change: the transition from adolescence to adulthood.

2. Music.

a. a passing from one key to another; modulation.

b. a brief modulation; a modulation used in passing.

c. a sudden, unprepared modulation.

Between trying to build a home from almost-scratch, trying to get secure work/income, and trying to figure out visa/residency options, these major parts of my life are constantly changing and fluxing between "hurry up" and "wait." Both of which are incredibly difficult at times! You'd figure I'd be used to this by now... but I'm not always. I realize many of you have been in periods of this and can understand! 

HOME: 

We (my friend Bethany, who is here for part of her "sabbatical," and I) have a place to stay that's part of a home complex of one of the church members. It is a blessing... and at times a curse. It is very affordable and spacious, and having the family as neighbors is surely helpful! However, getting to the parts of the city we need/want to spend much of our time in is a time-consuming, sometimes expensive, frustration. Also, the house has some structural deficiencies that are harder to maneuver than initially expected. We have basically started from scratch, particularly in the Kitchen--We had NOTHING! We started out with only plastic plates/flatware and PB&J sandwiches. We have since been given a fridge, and bought a very cheap stove and toaster-oven, and finally did some serious grocery shopping. We still need a few kitchen basics, but those are coming together slowly but surely. We don't have closets, and I'm sleeping on an air-mattress which is sometimes an adventure in and of itself! :) We are thinking about finding a furnished apartment near the center of the city or closer to the touristy areas, but have to wait for the World Cup inflation to subside, before really making any decisions.

WORK: 

The initial onslaught of opportunities turned into many delayed meetings and a discouraging lack of follow-through. I feel like I've done what I can with my limited resources. In the job market here, I am quite dependent on networking connections. Some of these connections have proved very helpful, and some... just haven't yet. I am so thankful for the people who are volunteering to help as they can, but I also understand they are often busy with their own lives and I don't want to be a burden. (or nag!) It's difficult for me because I feel like I "need" a full-time advocate, but that's just not practical. My expectations and frustrations with this are because I want this done on MY time-table... and am obviously having trouble allowing for GOD'S timing for all this. He has provided all these opportunities so far, and the ones that will work out, will happen when HE designates.

"Wait patiently for the Lord. Be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently for the Lord." - Psalms 27:14***

VISA:

I will go this week to ask for my visa extension, and expect that should go smoothly; however, that is only for my tourist visa. The research I've done for Work/Student visa's leaves me pretty apprehensive; it seems this may prove more difficult and costly than I initially expected. HUGE prayers are needed in this regard!

At the beginning of this year, I was inspired that my theme song for 2014 would be "Living by Faith," Well... I knew I'd be in for a ride, and at this half-way point, it couldn't be more true and necessary!

Thanks for sharing this ride with me!

***Note to any fellow Harding Academy Chorus circa 99-01 people: If you could read this verse WITHOUT singing it, shame on you!

The Ugly Truth - Real Me Edition

Shhh.... I have a secret... please tell everyone.

When I look in the mirror, I don't like what I see. 

Unfortunately, it's an epidemic; I know I'm not the only one. For some, it's their skin color or acne, height or weight, age and imperfections. My particular brand of shame comes from severely thinning hair. 

For some time, I thought I'd managed the emotional effects, because I started wearing wigs. While this did drastically improve my self-confidence and brought me out of hiding, the struggle to strive for "normal" and "pretty" remained a daily burden.  

Over the past year or so, the thought of shaving my head would occasionally bounce around my mind long enough for me to dismiss it as "crazy talk." But God has had me on a crazy/awesome journey for a while, and managed to bring it to my attention as I was thinking about the upcoming season of Lent. I knew I needed to find a way to have less of me so I could be filled with more of Him, especially as this season coincides almost exactly with my preparations to move to another country for a mission project and next chapter in my journey. 

So, after praying and conversations with my mom and a couple friends, I was convicted that this was the time to shave my head. 

What does this have to do with Lent? Well, nothing... and everything! 

1 Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. 2We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith. Because of the joyawaiting him, he endured the cross, disregarding its shame. Now he is seated in the place of honor beside God’s throne.-Hebrews 12:1-2 NLT

All of the shame, frustration, resentment, false hope, labels, and lies that I associate with my hair was a HUGE weight, and I knew that the best way to continue in obedience to God was to literally be rid of that weight. I want to be free to follow him boldly and fully accept his truths and promises.

I have no idea what God will do with this, I just know my part right now is to shed light on my ugly truth. 

We captured the whole thing on video, including a more in-depth explanation of the emotions and thoughts leading up to the event. It is about 10 minutes long, but I, personally, think it's worth it!

The Real Me - Video

Glimpse #2-b

As my title is "Let's Start Talking Intern" that definitely defines a large part of my time. For those of you who may not know,  Let's Start Talking (LST) is a ministry that takes the Word to people all over the world who are wanting to improve their English speaking skills. With this as a focus, we work with congregations and reach out to the surrounding communities to advertise free English conversation. The people that are interested are then matched with an LST "worker" on a team and they read thru a workbook that has passages of scripture with some basic questions and some discussion starters. These discussion questions are designed to help us learn about the lives of the readers while giving opportunities to share Jesus from our own lives. While that may summarize the basic functionality of this Ministry, it doesn't begin to scratch the surface of how this can impact the lives of our readers.

My initial focus has been in sessions with previous readers that are interested in continuing what they started. I do have a few that have never participated before, so I am at different levels with all of them, both with English, and the relationship aspect. Many of the friends I've made here in the church are products of previous LST teams. So, it's nice to know that there is an established pattern of success.

Each of my readers are from very different walks of life. I have some that are young and not quite out of high school, to those that have grand-kids. They each have a story full of ups and downs, and I am thoroughly enjoying getting to know them. If I can get their permission, I will try to share more about them as individuals later. There are a couple that I think might soon "get this Jesus stuff" as I like to say. :)

Along with these individual reading sessions, I help lead two small group conversation classes. These are just simple discussions about scripture and how they can apply to us today. I will say that learning to prepare a 'lesson' every week has given me a new appreciation for all my teacher friends!!! I feel such great responsibility for the content of our discussions to be impactful, that I find it a challenge to keep things at a beginner/intermediate level. But, at the same time, I don't want it to get too deep and scare away those that may not be interested in a relationship with God. I definitely need prayers and wisdom in this aspect!!!

I am so blessed that I get to do one of my favorite things as "work." My heart is happy when I have lots of opportunities to really get to know others. I consider it an honor when someone is willing to let me be a part of their life! So... Thank you all! :)

Over/Under

- "I know you can be overwhelmed, and you can be underwhelmed, but can you ever just be 'whelmed'?"

- "I think you can in Europe." (Brazil!)

Those of you in my generation may recognize this quote; it's from one of my favorite movies that rather defined my High School years, 10 Things I Hate About You. Well... I think it captures how my time here in Brazil has been so far. While it is not remotely possible for me to be underwhelmed being here, I have not really been overwhelmed either. I think I'm at the brink of whelmed; that place where there is a lot to observe, remember, absorb and adapt to, but somehow it's all being attained in a mostly orderly manner. (I realize that this somehow is actually only thru God's power!)

Now if only I could express life here in a mostly orderly manner!!! There are so many firsts and beginnings and establishings that I wasn't sure how to start. (Hence the long delayed update) So I decided to group things into "genres." I will start this demonstration with a video that I think sets the stage and answers several of the basic questions. Then I will begin to share "Glimpses" of these "genres."

You will want to view this on a decent sized screen and make sure you have the sound up some.

Enjoy!! :)

Melody's Brazil Adventure - Pt.1

Glimpse #1 - Church Life



Upon first arrival at the church, I was made painstakingly aware at how much can change in 8 years!!! (I have some photo evidence that I will post at a later date.) They have a great location, but now there is the complication of major road construction right in front. (I just thought I had escaped the nastiness that is 'progress!')

 

I have a great office with a decent view, and of course great co-workers. Aurea is our church Secretary, Kevin is one of the founding missionaries, Jefferson is the Preacher and Lucas is an intern from another state in Brazil that is studying at the same school that Jefferson attended.

For my general schedule, Tuesday through Thursday are my main days for readers. Wednesday evening is one small group "class" and Thursday evening is mid-week service. Saturday I have a couple of readers in the morning and then another small group after lunch, then usually do something with the youth. Sundays are long (but great!) reporting at 8 a.m. and usually not leaving the building at all til almost 9 p.m.! In those hours: Praise team practice, Bible class, Service, lunch, hanging out and playing games, sometimes squeezing in a nap in one of the classrooms, snacks, praise team practice, service, and a little more hanging out. I have Monday and Friday "off," though I still end up doing some work from home or other activities, but I can at least sleep in usually! :)

Glimpse #2 - Ministries

Well... There's not many ministries at the church that I don't at least assist in some way or another, but my main focuses are the English ministry (of course), Youth (Jovens), Praise Team and hoping to help more with the Children's ministry soon.

My involvement with the youth is partially by default; first of all, I'm one of a very few single people my age. Second, everyone here thinks I'm not more than 22 anyway. :) Third, most of my "adult" friends are the volunteer leaders. But, I love being able to fit in with the 18-24 year-olds while still being someone they can ask for advice etc. and encourage them when they need it! (I'm kind of a big deal here, so I can be really persuasive!) haha!

 

I suppose it's fitting that I'm involved with the Praise Team... I mean, my name is Melody after all... and I do love music!!! My friend Bruno is the Worship Leader, so we already had ideas for how we would be able to work on different projects together while I'm here. The main focus right now is as support; most of the members of the PT are relatively new and still learning their parts and building confidence. I also help out with running the sound for services because the last person that usually did that had recently moved away. I'm hoping to teach several of the others on the sound board so I can start singing with the team for services. I did get to help lead this past week with a "Bi-Lingual" service while one of the teams was here. :) The other main focus right now is that Bruno and I are recording all 4 parts to the songs that they sing most, so that the members can listen and learn their particular part better and bring some continuity to the harmonies, as most/all of them can't read music. If you watch the video, the song you hear is one that Bruno and I recorded. It should sound familiar to most of you. ;)