Re-calculating. For some time I’ve been sitting at a huge stop light, waiting for the fog to lift and my trusted GPS (God’s Personal Spirit) to tell me the next step.
Dead End. Thinking and hoping it was an intersection, it looks like it may be a dead end—(maybe it’s just under construction…only God knows!) I feel like some doors are closing and the ones that were open are getting harder to push through. I have become weary and lost some of my joy; it’s hard to be effective and purposeful without joy. I don’t like to give up. I want to dig in my heels to make things work my way, but it seems this timing or path is not (maybe has not been) fully within God’s will. Honestly, this makes me feel like a huge failure, even though I know there’s more at hand than my own abilities. It deeply hurts my pride to admit that I may have been wrong; maybe I tried to push my will above God’s, thinking that I truly was following Him. It’s scary to think that, even with the best intentions, I could walk so blindly in disobedience. However, I also realize it’s possible that this experience may have been to bring me to where I am now. The perspective that retrospect brings just shows me that I made mistakes that could have been avoided.
Make a U-Turn. So, while my heart yearns to stay in Rio, I feel God has said I need to return to the US. *I don’t say “return home” for 3 reasons. 1. This world is not my home; I have felt this truth from a young age. 2. HOWEVER, the places I do call home are many-- always with people I love and usually where I’m currently sleeping. So, I’m really just moving from one home to another. 3. I’m not sure where in the US I may settle and/or for how long.
Rough Road Ahead. I still feel purpose here and would really like to work things out to be able live here again; right now I just don't know how far in the future that might be. It could be 6 months or 6 years…or maybe only for visits. Facing these unknowns is pretty scary, but I’m going to try really hard to not interject my will over God’s and to actually release my life fully into God’s hands. I know I’ve done it before and he has been wonderfully faithful, so I need to remember to trust his Goodness.
One Way. I don’t have any idea as to what will happen after my arrival in Texas. I know God’s got a plan… and my part is to just obey and follow his direction. Obviously there are some practical things that will need to be addressed and I know God’s already working on those things, but I will go into more detail and revelation about that soon.
God at Work. I have learned a LOT about myself while being here and I am beyond grateful that God has allowed me to live my dream. Even with the challenges and some unmet hopes and expectations, I would not trade this experience for anything! I’m looking forward to seeing what God has planned next!
Everthing will turn out ok. I really like this passage, it is from a book called Kafka On the Shore, by Haruki Murakami: THE STORM
ReplyDelete“And once the storm is over you won't remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won't even be sure, in fact, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm you won't be the same person who walked in. That's what this storm's all about."