Right Turn

While I was deciding to return to the States, a large part of the process was re-examining my future hopes. I have larger-than-life, yet perfectly God-sized dreams. BUT, I am heavily burdened by some of my past decisions.  

I remembered a sermon I heard once; it was about returning to the last sin that you ignored and/or haven’t asked forgiveness for, then confessing and righting that wrong, in order to step into the blessing and favor God wants to give you through deeper relationship with him. With that flash of Truth, I was convicted about finally facing one of the major things I've run from for a long time. While I have other sins to return to and face, this one particular sin has wreaked havoc on many parts of my life. Through excuses, laziness, resentfulness, pride, indignation, rebellion… lots and lots of ugly has dampened and strangled my will and desires to further the Kingdom.

I want to claim deeper blessing and favor with God, and move into deeper relationship with him. To do that, I need to release this weight and share accountability with you in this endeavor. I would also like to encourage you to also take a moment and reflect; if there’s a particular sin from your past, that you just swept under the rug, or even the wrong you most recently committed. Have courage! Ask forgiveness of all parties involved, and right the wrong. Return the $5 you “borrowed.” Hug the friend you hurt. Tell the family member that drives you crazy that you love them. Whatever the size of that sin… don’t let it be a burden or obstacle anymore. God’s grace and mercy will be there to meet you!

Here goes!

Confessing.

I have not paid one cent of my student loans. EVER.

I have been away from school for over 10 years, and all I’ve done is ignore it, let it fester, alter between Default and Forbearance, gain ridiculous amounts of interest, crash my credit rating, and be an eliminating factor for certain jobs.

Why? This is where the resentfulness, indignation, rebellion come into play. Part of it was because I was upset at the institution aspect of it all. Part of it was because I was burned out, sick and directionless. So, my response to this was, “OK, you wanna make getting an education a financial nightmare? Fine! I quit! But you’re not getting my money!” My mind was made up. I felt deflated, dejected and defeated, so my heart began to harden, and as time went on, it became harder and harder to turn back.  

But here’s the kicker. There’s a dirty four-letter word up there. Did you catch it? I quit. I never finished college. Unfortunately in this day and age, most employers don’t care if you’re brilliant if you don’t have the blood/sweat equity and fancy piece of paper to prove it. Finding a job that I’m “qualified” for, and still pays enough, has continually been an uphill battle for me and a further source of resentment.  

Righting the wrong.

I can’t simply write a letter to the Department of Education asking forgiveness for my behavior and to magically grant me a degree. To practically right this wrong, I need serious action and payments to support my attitude of repentance.

Moving forward.

I’m DONE making excuses and not fighting for and working for the life I want and deserve. I know I have to put in some serious dedication to accomplish my goals and fully embrace the future I hope for.

So I made a simple (HA!) 5 step plan.

Get a job.

Start paying off school debt.

Return to school ASAP.

Finish school.

Get a job I LIKE/LOVE!

Get a job. ANY job….almost. 

“What kind of job am I looking for?” My background is 10 + years Administrative, but I’m willing to do ANYTHING with a decent salary that will get me paying off school quickly. Except direct sales related positions—that’s where I draw the line! I could get into particular numbers and examples to prove a point about the inequality in our wage system all together and how ‘decent salary’ should be totally redefined…. But, I’ll just say the minimum goal wage in my timeline equation is 15/hr.

Of course I have preferences but, ultimately, if God brings it -- I’ll take it!

Start paying off school debt. In LARGE chunks.

Ideally, I want to pay off my student debt in 3 years or less. This is by far the most aggressive goal that I’ve really ever set. I’m confident that with great dedication/sacrifice, lots of small extra jobs, and TONS of encouragement and favor, this is achievable. (It is, after all, only 2.5 years of private college education. Not THAT bad, right?!)

Return to school ASAP.

I still have somewhat varied directions that I want to explore further, but I know I have several classes I can finish at community college (TCC) first, and also take electives/introductions to the more specific areas I’m looking into. It’s a good opportunity to learn lots of skills for many of the things I want to do, even if not for a specific career.

Finish school. Without going into further debt.

This one is pretty straightforward, but the particular victory in this will be finishing. One of my biggest hang-ups, when originally starting college, was that I wanted to do almost EVERYTHING! I have so many interests and diverse talents that I could be successful in many different fields, and as analytical and thorough in my decision making process as I am, the necessity to choose just one major was overwhelming. I started in advertising/marketing, and while I enjoyed some of it, it didn’t seem to fit what I really longed for; too much business, not enough heart. Anyway, my hesitance to make a major decision greatly influenced my giving up altogether.

Get a job I LIKE/LOVE! And finally ‘qualified’ for. J

As a 32 year-old, the fact that I’m FINALLY learning ‘what I want to be when I grow up’ makes me very happy! The ‘School of Life’ has taught me many valuable lessons, and each has brought me closer to this discovery.

One of my most recent conquests was realizing the foundational theme of what it is that gets me excited, captures my heart, and gives me purpose (aside from Jesus.) And turned it into my “elevator speech.”

I thrive when I can take People, Places, Things and Ideas from passively functional and ordinary to brilliantly effective and impressive; I can look at the mediocre and then envision a masterpiece. So, I instinctively begin shaping -- applying artistic development, logical structure and passionate integrity to achieve a successful final result.

I know that sounds a little vague, and in some ways it is. But it was a light bulb that means I can be happy in many fields. I love to solve puzzles and take on projects that combine the need for great detail, analysis, logic, and technical proficiency, with the desire for capturing attention, being visually beautiful and creative. For example: Decorating a room, Enhancing a photo, Makeovers, Upcycling, Updating forms/documents, Editing stories/reports, Designing flyers/ads, Consulting/Brainstorming and the list could go on. Basically as long as I’m improving things/people around me, I’m pretty happy.

It’s one of the reasons I feel I do well with massage; my business motto is Discover the best version of you. I like to figure out why your body is causing pain, use my knowledge and intuition to relieve the pain, and then give you the tools to permanently correct/improve the problem.

While this general self-discovery is important, the exciting part is the following direction of focus and passion that was ignited.

The process of learning a new language and learning to teach my native language has revived my love of the written word, but also led me to examine the inefficiencies and barriers of communication, particularly within the realm of translation. From movie subtitles, to books, to websites -- the quality of translation for many services seems lacking. I even find this in the teaching workbooks and materials. While there is stark contrast in the realm of translation, the varying quality is definitely not limited to just translation.

I feel like the big-picture direction I want to go, is into editing/publishing, or possibly visual communication and development, with heavy consulting possibilities. Right now, I’m not sure I want to specialize in translation, but want it to be at least a component of what I do.

This vision will be molded further as I progress with my education and learning, I’m sure. But I’m excited to have inspiration and direction in my life purpose. And I still have very little clue what God has in store for me, but am firmly grounded in the hopes of His plans for me.

Thanks for sticking with me while I unpacked all the churning and contemplation I’ve been sitting on for a while!

           

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I want to know Christ—yes, to know the power of his resurrection and participation in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, attaining to the resurrection from the dead. Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 3:10-14 NIV